JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
