Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
