so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
