He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
