4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
