I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
