all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
