I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
