can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
