My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
