her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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