I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
