Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
