My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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