i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
