I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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