your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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