Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
