turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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