don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
