I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
