I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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