yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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