Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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