New invention idea: vibrating tampons
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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