just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
