last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
