how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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