Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
