tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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