I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
