i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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