which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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