My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
