We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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