I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
