If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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