I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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