oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
