I just threw up on my dentist
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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