I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
