This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
