i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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