I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You can't motorboat a personality
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
