yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
