They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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