420 ftw
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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