Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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