It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Randomize
