I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I died a long time ago.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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