She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
